The Pun Also Rises: 'The Almost True History of Columbus Day'

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Hey Kids! It's your Crazy Uncle Seth, back once again, to tell you all about Columbus Day! You may have learned about Columbus Day in school, but as you probably heard later, everything you learned about Columbus Day in school was a lie! I could have done research to find the facts for this column, but when people do research and print facts in a newspaper, many people call that "Fake News."

So, the best way for me to write a history of Columbus Day is to ignore what we learned in school, ignore the research, ignore the facts, and just write about what it feels like Columbus might have done. Let's dive in!

Christopher Columbus was born in Italy under a different name, Cristoforo Colombo. He had a trio of older brothers: Christowono, Christotuo, and Christothreeo. None of them were very good at exploring, and so the other Colombo brothers banded together to form a yogurt company.

Cristoforo, however, had a thirst for exploration. He wanted to travel to new lands that had exotic spices, because he was sick of eating yogurt. To ring in his new career, Columbus went to see the most beautiful Belle of Spain, known in Italian as "Is-a Bella." Columbus courted her, and after years in the Spanish court, was finally judged as worthy to sail for Spain.

Initially Is-a Bella had turned him down, but Columbus promised her that he could prove that the earth wasn't flat, claim new land for Spain, and literally smell the future. This last claim is why the Spanish know him as "Crystal-Ball Cologne".

In 1491, Columbus's courting still wasn't done. But in 1492, Columbus got his retinue. He left for his voyage with three ships: El Nino, the Pinata, and the Santa Claus. With these three ships, he set sail to the west, looking for a route to Indiana. When he finally landed, he named the natives who greeted him Indianans.

But the joke was on Columbus, because he had not managed to sail all the way to Indiana, but only to the neighboring state of Ohio. He established his own city, named after himself, and declared it as the capital of Ohio, even though many people mistakenly presumed that the capital was either Cincinatti or Cleveland. Columbus did not realize at the time that it was difficult to be considered the capital if the other big cities have the major sports teams.

Still, the native Ohioans (or Indianans, as Columbus called them) presented an opportunity for Columbus, who was not of the opinion that native lives mattered. He took most of his voyages to scout around the area, and then just when it seemed he was about to sail away, he would turn back to the native population and say, "One more thing, sir...", and then enslave them all. This catchphrase became permanently associated with Colombo.

Although Columbus served for some time as governor of the colonies, many pointed out that he was tyrannical and incompetent. Thus Columbus was removed due to gross mismanagement of the colonies, as he clearly did not deserve to be in charge. Historians today are still fascinated by this archaic chain of events.

Today, many people still celebrate Columbus Day, mainly because they enjoy not working on a Monday. But due to the maltreatment he visited upon the native Indianans, some people remain angry at Columbus and believe he should not be celebrated. Instead, these people celebrate the same holiday under a different name:

"Indignant People's Day"

Seth Brown is an award-winning humor columnist, the author of "From God To Verse", and enjoys loading another column on the Column Bus. His website is RisingPun.com.

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